Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
