good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
