Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
