Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
