I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
