This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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