you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
