So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
