When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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