Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize