don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
