I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
