moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
