I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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