he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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