I met the friendliest cop last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
