I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
