He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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