i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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