She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
