I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he was CRYING into my vagina
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize