drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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