people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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