i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
