Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
