I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
