We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
