I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
