Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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