i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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