Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
