Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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