Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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