last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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