dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
