my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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