so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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