Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
