i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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