i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
