Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
