none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize