yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
