My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
