I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
