It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
