How'd it feel making her break her religion?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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