I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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