i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
