i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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