with your own penis?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
