So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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