apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
