i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
