Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
