So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
