I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
