"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
