Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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