can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
