I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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