I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My vagina just clenched in fear
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
