My nipple is on Facebook.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
