How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
