I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
