paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at about main and main street
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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