I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
