summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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