i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
