I look better un-naked...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
